Priority: Me 2014

Priority: ME  2014
Funny how I only seem to blog again as soon as I get separated . And yes I think this is the last time. You see, I keep separating from the same person. Einstein says 'insanity is repeating the same mistake and expecting different results'. He is right. Well, he is Einstein after all. It was 14 years for this last relationship with all its ons and offs, and while I am not on here to criticize him or tell you all the problems, it just wasn't working. And when the little voice says you want more, you have to determine if its right or is it just the ol'  'grass is greener on the other side' thing. Or depending on your age, is it a midlife crisis?
Mine starts when I get in the relationship and it keeps going wrong, my voice says I was meant to be more, to do more, to be free and understood by those who love me. I start thinking if I was single I wouldn't have to answer to anyone, etc..  But when I am single, I am only happy for short time, then its just.... me.. God do I even like me? This is the lesson I am learning hard right now..  I preach to friends and family when they are going through a breakup, the importance of being alone and getting to know yourself, and loving yourself. Well, let me tell you, It can suck. :)  Now that the shoe is on my foot, all that preaching is coming my way and I have to suck it up and say your right. And it really is.
Its just getting through the first things again they say.. so I went Christmas, new years and it is approaching valentines day, without that special someone.  I don't want to go through any more firsts. I want to be with someone. But I know I have not answered my questions in my journey to self-discovery, and I know I am an awesome person with a lot to offer, but do I love me enough yet. they say you have to love yourself completely before anyone truly can. Who measures this? and I don't want the ol'  'you'll just know.' like they say about love. I want real concrete answers. So. my journey continues, with me telling myself there are reasons it hasn't happened yet, there are reasons for everything . it is true and I will know when I look back at this, hopefully it doesn't take me a year or 2 to come back on, im going to try to write on here consistently. I will know, I will see, I will share with you as soon as I know :)    till then I keep convincing myself I don't need anyone anyway as its a distraction to my journey, although it'd be nice to share some times with someone. I am in a new province, and totally trying to be different, to take every opportunity. To create and do a bucket list. Getting my liscence, writing, travelling, meeting tons of new people, doing things I never tried or maybe even never heard of. I have already started doing and  accomplishing some of these things..

CONFIDENCE- is it real ?

I have recently separated and someone said to me " you need confidence" . Not the first time I have ever heard that naturally but I thought i had come a long way in the years. Truthfully i know they are right. But how does one get 'confidence'? I am sure it starts early on with our parents boosting out confidence by praising us all the time, then gets confirmed as we get older and we do great at things. People boost our confidence and sometimes we boost it ourselves as we achieve. Then there's the ' you need an ego boost' which is a quick fix when you are down, from either a friend or some stranger who maybe flirts with you or says nice things to you.
But when you have no or little self confidence to begin with and now you are an adult, it is not easy to find. It is not believable or comforting coming from a stranger, and a friend-- well they love you unconditionally so its not enough sometimes. We really need to know it feel it and believe it in ourselves, and when someone tries to knock you down, your confidence will not stand for it.
I have never been over confident like some would call arrogant, and i have never been confident i think really. I think i act it. We all have to act it at a job interview so there is where we (at least I )  get our practice. That is fake so it subdues after we get the job. Like relationships if your not careful you can lose your confidence if you make the other person everything or higher than you.
I am learning that i don't believe all my confident acts, and although i need them to survive it just gets tiring, so where does one go and practice till they actually feel the act of confidence. Even the confident
people sometimes are the most insecure about something. But the 'fake it till you make it'  is the basis of every how to be successful thing I have ever heard or read. So there must be something to it. So I will go on faking it till I make it!