"FINDING YOURSELF"

FINDING YOURSELF
I have been on this journey for a couple years to 'find myself'. I want to do it yet maybe didn't think of what does it really mean and how does one go about it? Certainly it is hard to attain while you are in a relationship that you could not truly be yourself. But unlike past relationships i was not beaten down by insults that i was "nothing or would never be anything", etc. I was encouraged to be me and do things in life, although when i tried, paid a price via indirect 'digs' (hidden insults) or punishments. That, I would tell anyone, is the other persons insecurity/issue not mine- and not to let it affect your journey and goals in life. But alas, although i knew it was wrong i would comfort myself - i thought and dreamed  "when i get out of this, I am going to find myself". Now why couldn't i find myself in that relationship you may wonder? Well you can depending on your relationship. Mine was suffocated . We were all about each other, all about the kids, all about everyone else's dramas around us, whether family friends or neighbors. We get caught up in that and lose ourselves right there. You have to know how to not ' let it in'. I thought going out shopping (retail therapy some women call it ) and things like that which was 'me time' would help me keep who I am. Not so, it is a mask. It is great to have 'me time' and everyone needs and deserves that to refresh themselves but only so you feel better when you go back to reality . lol. If you have found yourself, then yes me time works. If not, you are like me who that's all you got to hang on to because you don't have the time space or freedom to find yourself. I had many escapes. Shopping, the computer, tv,work, hell i even tried becoming an 'xtreme couponer' to escape the reality of the suffocating relationship. I thought that was somewhere between me time and finding myself. But it was just a way to pass time and mask the unhappiness i felt in my life/relationship.
Well here I am 2 weeks separated, went through an emotional roller coaster, and probably not off the ride yet, and I woke up this morning and thought... " OK realllly? when and where do i find myself? I have 2 days off so i am not distracted by work or anything. I have the pens and books and computer all accessible to write/vent/heal, etc (as that is how I or the deep people/writers start). And there I was all by myself with all the time in the world, to do whatever i wanted..........i reach for the phone to gab with the ex. Wow! What the hell is that I ask myself. Can i not be alone with myself? Is it a habit i just have to get out of? He is not suffocating me, I am suffocating me if i choose to pick up the phone. I have to learn to do these things i always 'dreamed of ' . I always wanted space, time, someone not suffocating me, telling me what to do, how i should live, and demanding my time. Now its here and i don't know what to do... whats wrong with this picture?
So i ask myself and you if you care to comment, what does "finding yourself' really mean? Maybe it goes hand in hand with confidence, which is another blog lol.... Is it just being happy with yourself? Is it doing your life's passion? It could be so many things, and I always thought you should be alone to figure it out. I even traveled 3000 miles once to find me. It sure helped my journey to me, I learned alot and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I still was not there. I just knew and it confirmed all the things I wanted out of life. But I fell back into losing myself. Which maybe a relationship just does, or if you let it. That is another topic :) .
So join me in the journey to finding myself. It may be a bumpy ride, but in the end will be the time of my life. After all it is my life. It is your life. It is all what you make it. I'm just trying to figure out what exactly to make it, and how to go about it.