So here I am , 2014 now,.. on and off again.. I figured I either have A.D.D or have a phobia to commitment, or get bored easy. I am a restless saggitarius, a non-believer in myself. Well. This is the final journey. It is do or die. I am not getting younger :) . Time to get it done. Yes this girl who cant even commit to blogging on a regular basis. thank you my one or 2 followers lol.. I am doing it. Going for the gusto.. I am writing a book .. And in my non-committal style, I found why I had all these ideas and couldn't commit... I must do them all at same time. I know,... crazy right? .. But because I get bored and will not finish, I need to do more than one. then when I tire of one, I can go to the other. And not even in the same style.... no no ... I have to have one that is funny comedy reading, a couple that are self help of course seeing as I love to offer advice from the ups and downs that has been my life.. and one or 2 children's books, and one that just makes you go hmmm... kind of like the chicken soup for soul books.. Yes I have officially found what works for me.. It isn't 'nothing', as I thought for so many years,.... its 'everything'... all or nothing.. that's me.. Right in line with what I heard once a perfectionist is.. they actually aren't perfect.. it is because they cant get it perfect that they wont do it at all.. Alas, I was thrilled by that theory.. true or not,.. I had finally felt I belong..
So yes aspiring author. Now,.. to decide on what name to use.. I cant commit to it.. I could use real name but I like being a mystery.. I could use real on some.. and then initials on others. some of the most popular things lately are written by authors using initials.. J.K. Rowling - harry potter , E.L. James - fifty shades of grey , E.B. White, C.S. Lewis, J.D. Salinger, and T.S. Eliot -poet , just to name a few. So, its a thought I am seriously considering. Just because it suits me..
What else do I need. I have ideas flowing through me all the time. even walking down the street or in conversation with someone. I am now writing them down soon as I can before I forget. Then committing to sitting and doing it, write... Once I get going, I have no problem.. I can write and talk forever. Finding the want or inspiration to sit and do it is hard.. But I have reached a point.. I only work and sleep. Something's gotta give. So what's the worst that can happen? I never ever get published? It still wont be a waste of time ...writing is necessary I believe. Even therapists tell you 'write your feelings out' and most have tried a diary when they were young. So it is a great thing. And whether or not its real or fiction, its still therapeutic to me. It certainly beats the real time-wasters I have been doing... social media, and tv shows.. total time waster. So I am on the road,.. I am hoping you ,.. my one or 2 readers haha,... will look back when you are reading one of my books and say I remember when she was just a blogger,....... :)
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Priority: Me 2014
Priority: ME 2014
Funny how I only seem to blog again as soon as I get separated . And yes I think this is the last time. You see, I keep separating from the same person. Einstein says 'insanity is repeating the same mistake and expecting different results'. He is right. Well, he is Einstein after all. It was 14 years for this last relationship with all its ons and offs, and while I am not on here to criticize him or tell you all the problems, it just wasn't working. And when the little voice says you want more, you have to determine if its right or is it just the ol' 'grass is greener on the other side' thing. Or depending on your age, is it a midlife crisis?
Mine starts when I get in the relationship and it keeps going wrong, my voice says I was meant to be more, to do more, to be free and understood by those who love me. I start thinking if I was single I wouldn't have to answer to anyone, etc.. But when I am single, I am only happy for short time, then its just.... me.. God do I even like me? This is the lesson I am learning hard right now.. I preach to friends and family when they are going through a breakup, the importance of being alone and getting to know yourself, and loving yourself. Well, let me tell you, It can suck. :) Now that the shoe is on my foot, all that preaching is coming my way and I have to suck it up and say your right. And it really is.
Its just getting through the first things again they say.. so I went Christmas, new years and it is approaching valentines day, without that special someone. I don't want to go through any more firsts. I want to be with someone. But I know I have not answered my questions in my journey to self-discovery, and I know I am an awesome person with a lot to offer, but do I love me enough yet. they say you have to love yourself completely before anyone truly can. Who measures this? and I don't want the ol' 'you'll just know.' like they say about love. I want real concrete answers. So. my journey continues, with me telling myself there are reasons it hasn't happened yet, there are reasons for everything . it is true and I will know when I look back at this, hopefully it doesn't take me a year or 2 to come back on, im going to try to write on here consistently. I will know, I will see, I will share with you as soon as I know :) till then I keep convincing myself I don't need anyone anyway as its a distraction to my journey, although it'd be nice to share some times with someone. I am in a new province, and totally trying to be different, to take every opportunity. To create and do a bucket list. Getting my liscence, writing, travelling, meeting tons of new people, doing things I never tried or maybe even never heard of. I have already started doing and accomplishing some of these things..
Funny how I only seem to blog again as soon as I get separated . And yes I think this is the last time. You see, I keep separating from the same person. Einstein says 'insanity is repeating the same mistake and expecting different results'. He is right. Well, he is Einstein after all. It was 14 years for this last relationship with all its ons and offs, and while I am not on here to criticize him or tell you all the problems, it just wasn't working. And when the little voice says you want more, you have to determine if its right or is it just the ol' 'grass is greener on the other side' thing. Or depending on your age, is it a midlife crisis?
Mine starts when I get in the relationship and it keeps going wrong, my voice says I was meant to be more, to do more, to be free and understood by those who love me. I start thinking if I was single I wouldn't have to answer to anyone, etc.. But when I am single, I am only happy for short time, then its just.... me.. God do I even like me? This is the lesson I am learning hard right now.. I preach to friends and family when they are going through a breakup, the importance of being alone and getting to know yourself, and loving yourself. Well, let me tell you, It can suck. :) Now that the shoe is on my foot, all that preaching is coming my way and I have to suck it up and say your right. And it really is.
Its just getting through the first things again they say.. so I went Christmas, new years and it is approaching valentines day, without that special someone. I don't want to go through any more firsts. I want to be with someone. But I know I have not answered my questions in my journey to self-discovery, and I know I am an awesome person with a lot to offer, but do I love me enough yet. they say you have to love yourself completely before anyone truly can. Who measures this? and I don't want the ol' 'you'll just know.' like they say about love. I want real concrete answers. So. my journey continues, with me telling myself there are reasons it hasn't happened yet, there are reasons for everything . it is true and I will know when I look back at this, hopefully it doesn't take me a year or 2 to come back on, im going to try to write on here consistently. I will know, I will see, I will share with you as soon as I know :) till then I keep convincing myself I don't need anyone anyway as its a distraction to my journey, although it'd be nice to share some times with someone. I am in a new province, and totally trying to be different, to take every opportunity. To create and do a bucket list. Getting my liscence, writing, travelling, meeting tons of new people, doing things I never tried or maybe even never heard of. I have already started doing and accomplishing some of these things..
CONFIDENCE- is it real ?
I have recently separated and someone said to me " you need confidence" . Not the first time I have ever heard that naturally but I thought i had come a long way in the years. Truthfully i know they are right. But how does one get 'confidence'? I am sure it starts early on with our parents boosting out confidence by praising us all the time, then gets confirmed as we get older and we do great at things. People boost our confidence and sometimes we boost it ourselves as we achieve. Then there's the ' you need an ego boost' which is a quick fix when you are down, from either a friend or some stranger who maybe flirts with you or says nice things to you.
But when you have no or little self confidence to begin with and now you are an adult, it is not easy to find. It is not believable or comforting coming from a stranger, and a friend-- well they love you unconditionally so its not enough sometimes. We really need to know it feel it and believe it in ourselves, and when someone tries to knock you down, your confidence will not stand for it.
I have never been over confident like some would call arrogant, and i have never been confident i think really. I think i act it. We all have to act it at a job interview so there is where we (at least I ) get our practice. That is fake so it subdues after we get the job. Like relationships if your not careful you can lose your confidence if you make the other person everything or higher than you.
I am learning that i don't believe all my confident acts, and although i need them to survive it just gets tiring, so where does one go and practice till they actually feel the act of confidence. Even the confident
people sometimes are the most insecure about something. But the 'fake it till you make it' is the basis of every how to be successful thing I have ever heard or read. So there must be something to it. So I will go on faking it till I make it!
But when you have no or little self confidence to begin with and now you are an adult, it is not easy to find. It is not believable or comforting coming from a stranger, and a friend-- well they love you unconditionally so its not enough sometimes. We really need to know it feel it and believe it in ourselves, and when someone tries to knock you down, your confidence will not stand for it.
I have never been over confident like some would call arrogant, and i have never been confident i think really. I think i act it. We all have to act it at a job interview so there is where we (at least I ) get our practice. That is fake so it subdues after we get the job. Like relationships if your not careful you can lose your confidence if you make the other person everything or higher than you.
I am learning that i don't believe all my confident acts, and although i need them to survive it just gets tiring, so where does one go and practice till they actually feel the act of confidence. Even the confident
people sometimes are the most insecure about something. But the 'fake it till you make it' is the basis of every how to be successful thing I have ever heard or read. So there must be something to it. So I will go on faking it till I make it!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
"FINDING YOURSELF"
FINDING YOURSELF
I have been on this journey for a couple years to 'find myself'. I want to do it yet maybe didn't think of what does it really mean and how does one go about it? Certainly it is hard to attain while you are in a relationship that you could not truly be yourself. But unlike past relationships i was not beaten down by insults that i was "nothing or would never be anything", etc. I was encouraged to be me and do things in life, although when i tried, paid a price via indirect 'digs' (hidden insults) or punishments. That, I would tell anyone, is the other persons insecurity/issue not mine- and not to let it affect your journey and goals in life. But alas, although i knew it was wrong i would comfort myself - i thought and dreamed "when i get out of this, I am going to find myself". Now why couldn't i find myself in that relationship you may wonder? Well you can depending on your relationship. Mine was suffocated . We were all about each other, all about the kids, all about everyone else's dramas around us, whether family friends or neighbors. We get caught up in that and lose ourselves right there. You have to know how to not ' let it in'. I thought going out shopping (retail therapy some women call it ) and things like that which was 'me time' would help me keep who I am. Not so, it is a mask. It is great to have 'me time' and everyone needs and deserves that to refresh themselves but only so you feel better when you go back to reality . lol. If you have found yourself, then yes me time works. If not, you are like me who that's all you got to hang on to because you don't have the time space or freedom to find yourself. I had many escapes. Shopping, the computer, tv,work, hell i even tried becoming an 'xtreme couponer' to escape the reality of the suffocating relationship. I thought that was somewhere between me time and finding myself. But it was just a way to pass time and mask the unhappiness i felt in my life/relationship.
Well here I am 2 weeks separated, went through an emotional roller coaster, and probably not off the ride yet, and I woke up this morning and thought... " OK realllly? when and where do i find myself? I have 2 days off so i am not distracted by work or anything. I have the pens and books and computer all accessible to write/vent/heal, etc (as that is how I or the deep people/writers start). And there I was all by myself with all the time in the world, to do whatever i wanted..........i reach for the phone to gab with the ex. Wow! What the hell is that I ask myself. Can i not be alone with myself? Is it a habit i just have to get out of? He is not suffocating me, I am suffocating me if i choose to pick up the phone. I have to learn to do these things i always 'dreamed of ' . I always wanted space, time, someone not suffocating me, telling me what to do, how i should live, and demanding my time. Now its here and i don't know what to do... whats wrong with this picture?
So i ask myself and you if you care to comment, what does "finding yourself' really mean? Maybe it goes hand in hand with confidence, which is another blog lol.... Is it just being happy with yourself? Is it doing your life's passion? It could be so many things, and I always thought you should be alone to figure it out. I even traveled 3000 miles once to find me. It sure helped my journey to me, I learned alot and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I still was not there. I just knew and it confirmed all the things I wanted out of life. But I fell back into losing myself. Which maybe a relationship just does, or if you let it. That is another topic :) .
So join me in the journey to finding myself. It may be a bumpy ride, but in the end will be the time of my life. After all it is my life. It is your life. It is all what you make it. I'm just trying to figure out what exactly to make it, and how to go about it.
I have been on this journey for a couple years to 'find myself'. I want to do it yet maybe didn't think of what does it really mean and how does one go about it? Certainly it is hard to attain while you are in a relationship that you could not truly be yourself. But unlike past relationships i was not beaten down by insults that i was "nothing or would never be anything", etc. I was encouraged to be me and do things in life, although when i tried, paid a price via indirect 'digs' (hidden insults) or punishments. That, I would tell anyone, is the other persons insecurity/issue not mine- and not to let it affect your journey and goals in life. But alas, although i knew it was wrong i would comfort myself - i thought and dreamed "when i get out of this, I am going to find myself". Now why couldn't i find myself in that relationship you may wonder? Well you can depending on your relationship. Mine was suffocated . We were all about each other, all about the kids, all about everyone else's dramas around us, whether family friends or neighbors. We get caught up in that and lose ourselves right there. You have to know how to not ' let it in'. I thought going out shopping (retail therapy some women call it ) and things like that which was 'me time' would help me keep who I am. Not so, it is a mask. It is great to have 'me time' and everyone needs and deserves that to refresh themselves but only so you feel better when you go back to reality . lol. If you have found yourself, then yes me time works. If not, you are like me who that's all you got to hang on to because you don't have the time space or freedom to find yourself. I had many escapes. Shopping, the computer, tv,work, hell i even tried becoming an 'xtreme couponer' to escape the reality of the suffocating relationship. I thought that was somewhere between me time and finding myself. But it was just a way to pass time and mask the unhappiness i felt in my life/relationship.
Well here I am 2 weeks separated, went through an emotional roller coaster, and probably not off the ride yet, and I woke up this morning and thought... " OK realllly? when and where do i find myself? I have 2 days off so i am not distracted by work or anything. I have the pens and books and computer all accessible to write/vent/heal, etc (as that is how I or the deep people/writers start). And there I was all by myself with all the time in the world, to do whatever i wanted..........i reach for the phone to gab with the ex. Wow! What the hell is that I ask myself. Can i not be alone with myself? Is it a habit i just have to get out of? He is not suffocating me, I am suffocating me if i choose to pick up the phone. I have to learn to do these things i always 'dreamed of ' . I always wanted space, time, someone not suffocating me, telling me what to do, how i should live, and demanding my time. Now its here and i don't know what to do... whats wrong with this picture?
So i ask myself and you if you care to comment, what does "finding yourself' really mean? Maybe it goes hand in hand with confidence, which is another blog lol.... Is it just being happy with yourself? Is it doing your life's passion? It could be so many things, and I always thought you should be alone to figure it out. I even traveled 3000 miles once to find me. It sure helped my journey to me, I learned alot and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I still was not there. I just knew and it confirmed all the things I wanted out of life. But I fell back into losing myself. Which maybe a relationship just does, or if you let it. That is another topic :) .
So join me in the journey to finding myself. It may be a bumpy ride, but in the end will be the time of my life. After all it is my life. It is your life. It is all what you make it. I'm just trying to figure out what exactly to make it, and how to go about it.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
BUCKETLIST
As you may have seen the movie Bucketlist with Jack Nicholson, this is one of my favorite movies as it is also a belief. Not even just that if you know you are going to die you can do the things you always wanted to, but what about unexpected tragedy? In this day and age, unfortunately you could walk out your door, be at a mall, gym or work and something happens. I will not give examples as I don't want you going away from here thinking or worrying. If you take anything from this piece, take away the motto 'love like you'll never see that person again' and 'seize the opportunity'. My friend recently mentioned how much she missed out on when she was younger and in a closed relationship- she could've went to many exciting functions and met many a variety of people. Well each single opportunity she turned down because she was more worried about someone else than living for herself, she probably missed "x" amount of new friends to meet, and maybe "x" amount of more opportunities that could've come her way- all just from missing one of those opportunities. She has cost herself "x" amount of friends that she would probably be still in contact with today - whether to further her career, or knowledge, or meeting "Mr right" or just to have more gabbing friends today, she will never know what she missed. And now that she is out of that closed relationship, she will never retrieve those offers. But there are many more to come - We all have a path and a journey in life. We don't know where it will lead us sometimes - but that is why i believe 'life is a journey not a destination'.
My bucket list is so huge- but starting with achievable things like i never really learned to ride a bike - never had one growing up- and never getting my license - i cannot drive a car- those are achievable. On my bigger side is things like vacationing- you can bet if i had money or an offer to get away I would - when i come back, all will still be well - my house will not fall apart without me (as much as i think no-one can do it without me- haha) . But the price to pay if i said no to it is a regret- and i do not ever want to regret.
Now maybe your bucket list is to bungee jump or climb Mount Everest, but start with the little things or the achievables. Work your way up to the bigger things. But remember to say "i love you" to those close to you everyday (or however you let them know they are important) because if something happened to you tomorrow you don't get a second chance.
My bucket list is so huge- but starting with achievable things like i never really learned to ride a bike - never had one growing up- and never getting my license - i cannot drive a car- those are achievable. On my bigger side is things like vacationing- you can bet if i had money or an offer to get away I would - when i come back, all will still be well - my house will not fall apart without me (as much as i think no-one can do it without me- haha) . But the price to pay if i said no to it is a regret- and i do not ever want to regret.
Now maybe your bucket list is to bungee jump or climb Mount Everest, but start with the little things or the achievables. Work your way up to the bigger things. But remember to say "i love you" to those close to you everyday (or however you let them know they are important) because if something happened to you tomorrow you don't get a second chance.
EMBRACE YOURSELF
LOVE WHO YOU ARE
The reason I have become genuinely happier, is I have embraced myself. I know how and why I am different, and I welcome it. I am a good person and that is all that really counts. I am not a barbie doll figure, but i love who i am inside (more on this later - will be titled "you only rent it").
I judge myself by 2 facts. 1) can i sleep with myself at night (my conscious does not bother me as I have done everything I believe in - like not hurting others, etc...) 2) all the people i love around me, and actually value their opinion, are always saying wonderful things about me. Not that i believe totally in "worrying what people think" but if its all good, well that sure doesn't hurt - ha ha.
I just love self-discovery and I think it probably never ends. Whether it is pondering how you reacted in a situation and learning "maybe next time i will/wont do that". I like listening and observing other people and seeing what I or others find good or not good in that person and wondering if i do that or did do that and what i can learn from it and take away from that situation. I love taking quizzes but only the ones that were researched and put together with much information - like the Myers-Briggs and the True colours -those kind-( i will put the links up to those when I figure out how to -haha)- not the little mini silly ones like on facebook i once did one "how will you die" and got told i would die face down in my hamburger at the age of i think it was 38 or something- well i am well over that age for one, so i am not going to run out and become a vegetarian anytime soon based on that quiz - haha.
Anyway, I got told by the Myers-Briggs I am an ISFP and my true colors one I am an orange. I get the same results each time and it just makes me embrace my differences and acknowledge who I am and what I can and can not do- I don't need to be everyone else. No, I will probably never be as organized as some with everything in its place. Not to say you can not learn to change things you want to-of course you can. But don't be hard on yourself or let others be hard on you. Are you hurting anyone? If not, are your shortcomings really that bad?
I apologize- while i write this, I am listening to a dear friend doing a radio show and trying so hard to give my full attention to this blog as another friend is dying to read my next piece (the bucket list) . And see, I admit that I usually can not do 2 things at once - but i just apologize and do the best i can-
Also, maybe you have little pet peeves - or obsessive compulsive disorders- my family thinks i have this because little things like using the dishtowel instead of a hand towel to dry their hands sends me over the edge- but we laugh about it - i don't lose sleep over it or kick anyone out (yet-haha).
So whatever your colors, personality type, pet peeves/obsessive compulsive disorders, you are who you are. Are you a good person? Do you do the best you can based on all you know, all you have learned, and are still seeking to grow and love yourself more? ....Then you can sleep tonight.
Lots of love from Lori love ,
till the next piece-
The reason I have become genuinely happier, is I have embraced myself. I know how and why I am different, and I welcome it. I am a good person and that is all that really counts. I am not a barbie doll figure, but i love who i am inside (more on this later - will be titled "you only rent it").
I judge myself by 2 facts. 1) can i sleep with myself at night (my conscious does not bother me as I have done everything I believe in - like not hurting others, etc...) 2) all the people i love around me, and actually value their opinion, are always saying wonderful things about me. Not that i believe totally in "worrying what people think" but if its all good, well that sure doesn't hurt - ha ha.
I just love self-discovery and I think it probably never ends. Whether it is pondering how you reacted in a situation and learning "maybe next time i will/wont do that". I like listening and observing other people and seeing what I or others find good or not good in that person and wondering if i do that or did do that and what i can learn from it and take away from that situation. I love taking quizzes but only the ones that were researched and put together with much information - like the Myers-Briggs and the True colours -those kind-( i will put the links up to those when I figure out how to -haha)- not the little mini silly ones like on facebook i once did one "how will you die" and got told i would die face down in my hamburger at the age of i think it was 38 or something- well i am well over that age for one, so i am not going to run out and become a vegetarian anytime soon based on that quiz - haha.
Anyway, I got told by the Myers-Briggs I am an ISFP and my true colors one I am an orange. I get the same results each time and it just makes me embrace my differences and acknowledge who I am and what I can and can not do- I don't need to be everyone else. No, I will probably never be as organized as some with everything in its place. Not to say you can not learn to change things you want to-of course you can. But don't be hard on yourself or let others be hard on you. Are you hurting anyone? If not, are your shortcomings really that bad?
I apologize- while i write this, I am listening to a dear friend doing a radio show and trying so hard to give my full attention to this blog as another friend is dying to read my next piece (the bucket list) . And see, I admit that I usually can not do 2 things at once - but i just apologize and do the best i can-
Also, maybe you have little pet peeves - or obsessive compulsive disorders- my family thinks i have this because little things like using the dishtowel instead of a hand towel to dry their hands sends me over the edge- but we laugh about it - i don't lose sleep over it or kick anyone out (yet-haha).
So whatever your colors, personality type, pet peeves/obsessive compulsive disorders, you are who you are. Are you a good person? Do you do the best you can based on all you know, all you have learned, and are still seeking to grow and love yourself more? ....Then you can sleep tonight.
Lots of love from Lori love ,
till the next piece-
Saturday, September 5, 2009
BITS ABOUT ME
LITTLE TIDBITS
I am a mother of 3 (different age groups mean different problems and of course different personalities) step-mother of 1, step-grandma of 1. Been married, seperated and lived common-law. I certainly have not been 'through it all' but most things i can say 'been there, done that'. Now i just have to 'write the book' haha-another reason for this blog. My dream is to write a book. A childrens book is on my mind currently and I am working with a special illustrator on that one. A book like this blog is another dream if i can help people to think more positively.
"Life is a journey, not a destination"
An awesome quote (not mine) i totally believe in!
I am a very spiritual person. Not like 'go to church every sunday' spiritual. More of an inner peace, deep, soul-searching spiritual. I have very positive outlook on things so not much can get to me. I think that started because of all I have been though in life and its like a lifestyle change, but anyone can do it. I am just very simple, very honest, very deep and very scatterbrained. I have at least a few ideas per hour. Some think that makes me interesting. I think it makes for a great genius if i could actually organize my thoughts and my time. Haha. That is why i need this blog.
I am a mother of 3 (different age groups mean different problems and of course different personalities) step-mother of 1, step-grandma of 1. Been married, seperated and lived common-law. I certainly have not been 'through it all' but most things i can say 'been there, done that'. Now i just have to 'write the book' haha-another reason for this blog. My dream is to write a book. A childrens book is on my mind currently and I am working with a special illustrator on that one. A book like this blog is another dream if i can help people to think more positively.
"Life is a journey, not a destination"
An awesome quote (not mine) i totally believe in!
I am a very spiritual person. Not like 'go to church every sunday' spiritual. More of an inner peace, deep, soul-searching spiritual. I have very positive outlook on things so not much can get to me. I think that started because of all I have been though in life and its like a lifestyle change, but anyone can do it. I am just very simple, very honest, very deep and very scatterbrained. I have at least a few ideas per hour. Some think that makes me interesting. I think it makes for a great genius if i could actually organize my thoughts and my time. Haha. That is why i need this blog.
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